Recently (okay,
yesterday), I had one of those days best characterized by the F word. You know the one- Failure. I don’t mean failure in the sense of a bad
letter grade on an exam- and generally that’s never been an issue for me (with
the exception of my 8th Grade Advanced Social Studies Class, and
frankly I’m still waiting for the day where I have a real-life need to be able
to label the states AND their capitals on a completely blank map). No, I mean it was one of those days where it became
abundantly clear that if someone were to grade me on the job I was doing in
each of the many, many roles I perform these days, the results would likely be
on par with that stupid geography test.
I think we all have
those days where we feel like a complete failure, so I don’t want to bore you
with the precise details of my personal shortcomings, but hear me out for a
moment. On any given day, I am, among
many other things: a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a cook, a lawyer,
and a writer. Over the last week, I
learned that my oldest daughter has a potentially serious health issue which I
should’ve caught earlier (failure as a mom); I totally spaced Rosh Hashanah, a
hugely important holiday for my Jewish husband (failure as wife); my grandma
ended up in a hospital and I wasn’t able to offer much comfort or any
assistance to my mom because I was so caught up in my own stuff (failure as a daughter);
a good friend came to me with a serious problem and I again, wasn’t able to
offer much comfort or help because of my own issues (failure as a friend); I
fed my family PB&N (that’s peanut butter and nutella, for you folks whose
kids actually eat jelly) for lunch AND dinner (failure as a cook); I had my
first ever less-than-satisfied client (failure as a lawyer), and instead of
working on final edits for a novel set to go out to editors soon, I spent my time
writing one that isn’t needed any time soon (failure as a
writer). I assure you that my house was
also messy, my dog didn’t get walked, and I ate an obscene amount of sugar
during this time too, so please don’t think my failures were limited to those
isolated (but HUGE) screw ups.
It didn’t help that
I spent all day yesterday in continuing education seminars listening to a
variety of accomplished lawyers, economists, and activists discuss issues of
environmental injustice and toxic torts law.
Not only is that a really depressing subject with no practical solution, but
it made me feel like even more of a failure.
It really offers perspective to know that 600,000 people in Haiti were sickened from cholera due to an oversight
by the UN in 2010, millions of people are still suffering from the effects of
the notorious Agent Orange in Vietnam, and locally, racial minorities are still
significantly more likely to live in areas with horrific air quality than Caucasians. There are attorneys out there fighting to wrong
these injustices—waking up every day to work their asses off at low paying jobs
with virtually no hope of ever reaching a satisfying outcome because, as I
said, there are no clear solutions to these issues. Meanwhile, what do I do with the law degree I
earned—graduating at the top of my class?
Oh right….I blog, write romance novels, and occasionally draft legal
briefs for other attorneys.
I keep reading in
various sources how we all feel like failures more often these days and the
overwhelming response is to blame social media.
That’s not what I’m going to do.
I don’t need a picture of a Pinterest-perfect house to tell me mine is
messy. I’m well aware that hot dogs and
fruit snacks are a shoddy school lunch even before I see Facebook posts from
other moms showing mini quiches and a mélange of fresh berries in their kid’s
bento box (you know who you are S.R.). I don’t feel like a failure
because I have instant access to images of the most perfect moment’s of the
lives of others; no, I feel like a failure because, well, sometimes I am. And that’s okay.
When I’m feeling
overwhelmed, it calms me to see the newborn photos you upload to
Instagram. When I’m sad, I want to read
the hilarious and adorable thing your preschooler did that you’ve posted on
Facebook. And when I’m feeling like a
screw up, I want to see the kickass Frozen palace you crafted from fondant for your daughter’s
fifth birthday.
I’ve come to peace with the fact that I’m not the best
at everything (or quite likely, anything), but I’m pretty decent at a lot of
stuff. Part of the benefit of having
friends (be it real friends or social media “friends”) is that I can live
vicariously through your successes. I’ve
accepted that more likely than not, none of my close friends will ever be
president, cure cancer, discover a new planet, or save the environment. But I damn well expect to see some more
practical achievements by you guys.
So,
keep on posting photos of that tile backsplash you did all by yourself. Tell me about your diet successes. Upload as many pics of your last vacation as
you want. Show me a full month’s worth
of organic, preservative and dye-free school lunches. Brag about your promotion at work. Let me see every zoo-themed cupcake you
cranked out for the bake sale last week.
I know that none of you have Pinterest-perfect lives all
the time, but I want to see the moments where you do have it all together…because
your successes cheer me up and remind me of my own days where I’ve done anything
but fail.
Here's to a better tomorrow...
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