101 Ways to Make Mischief

Today I have a guest writer.  Her name is Katherine. I know, I know.  I’m less than a week into this new blogging effort and already I’m delegating, but bare with me.  Katherine would like to share some of her tricks.

1.        First, these tips work best if you are young- a year and a half old is perfect.

2.       These tips also work best if you are small for your age, under 20 pounds makes many of these feats slightly more impressive to the big people.

3.       When Mommy starts vacuuming, scream like you’re being eaten by a lion.  She will pick you up.

4.       Once Mommy resumes vacuuming, this time while holding you, play peek-a-boo by pulling her hair completely over her eyes.

5.       When this game gets boring, suddenly lean back as far as you can.  Mommy will shriek and set you down before she drops you.  Then, when she starts vacuuming again without picking you up, return to Tip 4.  Repeat this sequence until she abandons the vacuuming mission.

6.       Learn how to open doors.  Do this in secret.  Never let a grown up see you open a door.

7.       Learn how to climb out of—and back into—your crib.  Do this in secret too.  Never let a grown up see you perform either of these tasks.

8.       Scream and point accusingly at other children during playgroup whenever they have a toy you want.  This is easier than stealing their toy because their mommy will assume they took the toy from you and will hand it to you.

9.       Gnaw on table legs or any furniture that looks fancy.

10.   Climb onto tables whenever you have the chance.  But only if someone is looking.  Do not waste this effort on an empty room.

11.   When Mommy looks more frustrated than normal, hug her tightly and smile so she can see all your baby teeth. 

12.   When Mommy is on the phone, quietly open the basement door.  Inch down the stars carefully on your stomach.  Once you reach the bottom, stretch out face-down on the floor and start screaming frantically.

13.   Try to stand whenever Mommy attempts to put you in your car seat.

14.   If Mommy successfully gets you seated in your car seat, arch your back, flail your arms and legs, and scream like you’re being kidnapped before she can buckle you.

15.   Whenever you are in your car seat, remove your shoes and socks.  Throw your socks, then put your shoes back, but on the wrong feet.

16.   Every couple of weeks, put your shoes back on the right feet.  Mommy will be so accustomed to switching them that she will do this—then putting them on the wrong feet herself.

17.   Wedge your pacifiers between the mattress and bars of your crib.  Cry when they are all hidden.

18.   Take all of your Mommy’s shoes from her closet and put them in your crib.  Do this daily, whenever Mommy is distracted for a moment.

19.   Sample, then spill, any drink you can reach.  If you can’t reach, climb something.

20.   Learn the words to “Let it Go.”  When Mommy appears to be reconsidering her anti-spanking stance, belt out a few lines in your sweetest voice.

21.   Wait until the house is quiet and climb out of your crib.  Gather all the diapers from your room and toss them into your crib one at a time.  Climb back into your crib and fall asleep, smiling with anticipation at how mad Mommy will be at your sisters when she blames them for this in the morning.

22.   Open the pantry door.  Climb the shelves until you reach the open box of Brown Rice.  Do NOT get distracted by the fruit snacks.  These are a decoy!  Take the box and hold it upside down.  Once you notice rice falling out, start to run without dropping the box.  By the time Mommy catches you, there will be a nice trail.

23.   Break your food into small bits at dinner.  Throw some to the dog. 

24.   Insist on feeding yourself yogurt.  Since you are so small for your age, Mommy will do almost anything to get you to eat.  Smear half of the yogurt in your hair.  Finger paint with the rest.

25.   Never poop all at once.  Exercise the utmost self control so that you only poop enough to get your diaper changed.  Once the clean diaper is on, poop some more.

26.   Speaking of poop, try doing it in the bath every once in a while, ideally when bathing with your sisters.

27.   On occasion, help Mommy out by changing your own diaper.  Remove the dirty one, but don’t waste tons of wipes.  Scoot along the carpet to clean yourself instead.  Bring Mommy the clean diaper.  Cry sorrowfully when she doesn’t act appreciative.

28.   When you wear a dress, remove your diaper but don’t tell anyone.  Then when you are out in public, pee.  Giggle with excitement at Mommy’s surprise when she gets all wet.

29.   Splash uncontrollably in the tub.  If any soap gets near you, splash harder.

30.   Blow a kiss to Mommy when she shrieks with frustration.

31.   Do something really cute until Mommy gets her camera.  Then go cross-eyed or cry.

32.   Whenever you see paper with lots of words written on it, lick the paper until it smears into a beautiful picture.

33.   Insist on being held whenever Mommy is cooking. 

34.   Once she picks you up, snatch various utensils from her hands.

35.   Find a pen or marker.  Use it to color on furniture. 

36.   Put everything in your mouth.  The tinier the better.

37.   Better yet, wait till Mommy is watching and pretend to put small objects in your mouth.  Secretly hide the objects in your sleeves instead.

38.   Drop things in the toilet.  Shiny electronic things that beep are good, but so is jewelry.

39.   If Mommy asks where something is, run to the toilet and look in, even if you know the missing item is really in her purse.  Bonus points if you do the palms-up “who knows” gesture.

40.   Look at Mommy and say “pretty” when she is about to yell.

41.   Make a concentrated effort to learn to skip.  When Mommy says it’s time to leave the park, skip.  This will buy you an extra ten minutes of playtime.

42.   You know those vents in the floor that air comes out of?  Use them like drains.  Pour liquids in them.  Or sand, beads, or other small objects.

43.   Stand cooperatively next to Mommy when you play outside.  Then once she turns her back, run!

44.   At playgrounds, climb up the steps and then immediately go down the baby slide several times.  Once Mommy sits down on the bench instead of hovering over you, race towards the top of the fireman pole on the climber and pretend you’re going to jump.

45.   Tug hard on any jewelry Mommy wears.  It should snap off into your hands.

46.   Never hold still for a diaper change.  But vary your movements so Mommy never knows what to expect next.

47.   When Mommy is on the phone, scream randomly like you’re in pain.

48.   When you are in public, hang on Mommy’s leg until her pants start to fall down.

49.   Whenever you’re in the stroller, remove one shoe and, being as stealthy as possible, drop it when Mommy isn’t looking.  Wait five minutes before getting her attention, pointing to your bare foot, and saying “shoe.”

50.   Wait till Mommy pauses to catch her breath in between screaming and say “I wuv you.”

51.   Never finish anything you start.  This applies to food, puzzles, crafts, and blog posts.

 

Stay tuned for Tips 52-101