Being a
mom is hectic. No matter how many kids
you have, those quiet mornings sipping coffee and reading the paper are
gone. I’m in awe of everyone who manages
to get the kids out the door and fed every day, and seriously impressed with
moms who do that and get themselves to work on time. At our house, no matter what day of the week it
is, it’s a manic day. It’s a happy
chaos, created by our four wonderful children, but it is a LOT to deal
with. I am by no means a parenting (or
any other kind of) expert, but I firmly believe that laughter is the best way
to deal with daily stress. I am lucky
enough to be able to laugh at myself and my situation most days, and I now
invite you to laugh at my daily grind too, with this play-by-play of a random
manic morning in our house.
7am: Lay in bed
nursing baby and pumping, wishing the breast pump doubled as a coffee maker and
trying to calculate how much sleep I actually got between night feedings. Pull out phone to read any important news (i.e.
Facebook) that has been reported since the 5am feeding.
7:02: Listen on the baby monitor as toddler sings
happily. Wondering why my two kids that
don’t attend school wake up earlier than the two that actually need to be
someplace soon.
7:05: Realize toddler’s song has turned dark as she sings “I’m
still here in my bed all alone in the dark because nobody loves me. Yes nobody loves me.” Turn off the pump and slide out of bed while
still feeding baby.
7:07: Greet toddler warmly.
Dodge stuffed dog chucked at my head while toddler insists she’s still
sleeping. Retreat to my room, still
feeding baby.
7:10: Finish feeding baby.
Set her in bouncy seat and get dressed.
Attempt to insert contacts and brush teeth while bouncing bouncy seat
with my foot.
7:11: Drop contact somewhere. Curse and then get out a new one. They’re disposable anyway.
7:12: Pick up frantic baby and apply multiple layers of
cover-up under my eyes. Attempt minimal
makeup and maximum deodorant one handed.
7:13: Notice baby has spit up most of her feeding into my
hair and shirt. Remember to brush hair
while dabbing at the vomit with a damp cloth.
7:14: Return to
toddler’s room. Realize I left bottle of
pumped milk in her room and that she has now spilled it. Cry. Explain
why she can’t wear a swimsuit all day when it’s not yet 60 degrees out.
7:25: Carry baby and toddler (still in Pjs) downstairs. Practice origami skills by folding baby into
Moby wrap.
7:30: Pour two sippy cups of skim milk and one of lactose
free milk. Pour self coffee. Start to take sip of coffee when baby spits
up down my shirt again. Try to blot at
clumps of spit up with rag but can’t reach it with the Moby wrap on. Give up and make mental note never to wear
black again.
7:35: Wake big kids, make beds, open blinds, instruct kids
11 times to get dressed.
7:45: Referee wrestling match over which episode of Monster
High to watch.
7:50: Slip in pooled spit up on the hardwood floor while
packing lunches. When did that happen?
8:00: Serve breakfast to toddler and big kids as they sit
like royalty in front of the TV. Bounce
baby in Moby in hopes that she’ll stop screeching before we all go deaf.
8:10: Beg toddler to get dressed. Give up quickly and persuade kids to brush
teeth and hair instead.
8:15: Put toddler’s hair in ponytail to avoid combing
through weird matted clump in the back.
8:20: Load dishwasher.
Realize I forgot to change baby’s diaper. Allow toddler to “help” with this task. Spot baby powder and shake some down my shirt
in hopes of masking the stench of spit up.
8:25: Throw now-damp changing pad and baby’s pajamas into
washer. Attempt to squeeze the stupid
bento boxes into the lunchboxes. Fold
baby back into the Moby wrap. Reach for
coffee to take a sip but knock it to floor with baby’s foot instead. Contemplate lapping it off the floor but
decide I should sweep the glass up first.
8:28: Look at clock and realize I don’t have time to
sweep. Turn off TV and tell kids to get
shoes, jackets, and backpacks.
8:30: Grab shoes that kindergartener forgot when she raced
out the door.
8:32: Subtly wipe big kids’ mouths on side of Moby
wrap. Really look at their outfits for
the first time and wonder who told my kids that stripes and polka dots match.
8:34: Wave as ½ of my kids board the bus. Feel moment of relief.
8:35: Baby wakes and spits up again. Toddler runs over my foot with tricycle.
8:40: Tell toddler we need to go inside so mommy can eat
breakfast. Insist we will play outside
once she is dressed. Watch as epic tantrum ensues.
8:50: Start to worry nearby construction workers will call
CPS if they witness any more of the tantrum.
Pick up screaming toddler in one arm and carry her off to side of my
body so she doesn’t clock baby strapped to my chest.
8:51: Accidentally
bump baby’s head on doorframe. Strip
toddler naked in hopes that she’ll use the potty or get dressed. Turn on Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.
8:53: Reach for coffee cup and remember it broke. Grab broom and sweep. Pour coffee into new cup. Microwave oatmeal. Remove baby from Moby wrap
and pat her while swaying back and forth until she falls back asleep.
8:57: Realize house is eerily calm and see that toddler has
escaped out the back door and is blowing bubbles on the back step. Naked.
8:58: Fetch naked toddler while still carrying naked baby. Wave to concerned-looking construction
workers.
9:00: Slice banana
for toddler. Drop knife on my foot and
curse loudly, waking baby.
9:05: Carry oatmeal and baby to couch and start nursing baby
while attempting to eat without dropping oats on her head.
9:10: Remember I left my coffee in the kitchen. Set down oatmeal and go to kitchen to
retrieve it, still nursing baby.
9:12: Sip coffee.
Realize it is cold. See dog eat
my oatmeal. Chug remainder of cold
coffee. Glance at clock and attempt to
calculate hours till bedtime…
9:13: Laugh so hard I cry.
Or maybe I cried so hard I laughed.
It’s hard to say.
9:15: Decide that a nutty morning might make for a funny blog
post.
That's my morning. How was yours?
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