Yesterday I met with a group of
moms for the first time this school year.
The group was the same, but most of the moms have changed over the
years. I’ll admit it- the change is hard
for me to accept. I stink at transitions
anyway and this one seemed particularly personal. You see, many of the moms who are no longer
in that group were there when I first joined in 2009. Those moms hugged me when my oldest climbed
out of her crib and changed her own diaper on the white rug. They reassured me when we were expecting our
second and I was so sure I’d never love another child as much as my first. And they patted me on the back and told me I
wasn’t a terrible mom when my daughter pulled the hair of every other child she
met.
I’ve shared many a bottle of
wine with those moms as we compared potty training tactics, preschool
curriculum, and naptime woes. I cried
with these moms when our oldest children started kindergarten and again,
although with much fewer tears, when the next school year began. I know
the friendships I’ve formed with these moms will last a lifetime, but after
years of sharing so much common ground with these moms, they’re moving on, and
I’m not.
These moms are now in the
trenches of elementary school, dealing with PTO meetings and homework battles,
navigating more independence and later bedtimes for their kiddos. They are camping out on soccer fields on
weekends and driving to scout meetings and dance classes on weeknights. I’m there too, sharing all those experiences
with those moms. But I’m also back at
square one.
I’m back in the world of potty
training, pacifier-weaning, baby-wearing, spit-up cleaning, nap schedules,
diaper blowouts and colic. From
8:35-3:54, my life now strongly resembles my life from 5 years ago. During those hours, I’m a little kid mom—a mom
with a baby and a toddler. And the new
moms in my beloved group can relate to that.
But at 3:55 each day, I’m still a mom to a toddler and a baby, but then
I’m also juggling the big kid things, and the group of moms that can relate to
both of those shrinks. That’s when I
feel stuck in the middle, like I’m not a part of either group of moms—the big
kid moms or the little kid moms.
Part of the reason I so
desperately wanted a fourth child was so I could relive the glory days when my
oldest two kids were a newborn and toddler, but it’s painfully obvious now that
I can’t go back. My experience as a mom
of two elementary schoolers necessarily impacts my parenting of the toddler and
baby, and vice versa. When my first two
kids were little, I didn’t interrupt their naps to get to the bus stop on
time. I never kept them up past bedtime
because of a gymnastics class or Back to School night. I also don’t see many other moms nursing a
baby during the second grade class play.
It's clear I'm an outsider on both levels.
While most of my mom friends can’t relate to my parenthood journey on
both levels, some can. The rest can get me through the ups and downs of
mothering either the big kids or the little ones. I don’t feel as wholly connected to any of my
friends now as I used to since we’re now only sharing part of the experience,
but I do have twice as many moms to listen to me vent or brag or just to share
that bottle of wine with me.
For now, instead of mourning the
fact that many of my mom friends have moved on to the next stage of life with
their kiddos and no longer need our morning get-togethers and playgroups, I am
going to work on embracing change. And
that starts with getting to know all these new moms that I’ll be leaning on
when my toddler gives up naps or my infant has her first nursing strike. Because while the ages of the kids changes
with time, the mommy mentality really doesn’t, and that’s what forms the basis
of our lifelong friendships.
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