Just Another Manic 'Mom'day

                Being a mom is hectic.  No matter how many kids you have, those quiet mornings sipping coffee and reading the paper are gone.  I’m in awe of everyone who manages to get the kids out the door and fed every day, and seriously impressed with moms who do that and get themselves to work on time.  At our house, no matter what day of the week it is, it’s a manic day.  It’s a happy chaos, created by our four wonderful children, but it is a LOT to deal with.  I am by no means a parenting (or any other kind of) expert, but I firmly believe that laughter is the best way to deal with daily stress.  I am lucky enough to be able to laugh at myself and my situation most days, and I now invite you to laugh at my daily grind too, with this play-by-play of a random manic morning in our house. 

7am:  Lay in bed nursing baby and pumping, wishing the breast pump doubled as a coffee maker and trying to calculate how much sleep I actually got between night feedings.  Pull out phone to read any important news (i.e. Facebook) that has been reported since the 5am feeding.

7:02: Listen on the baby monitor as toddler sings happily.  Wondering why my two kids that don’t attend school wake up earlier than the two that actually need to be someplace soon.

7:05: Realize toddler’s song has turned dark as she sings “I’m still here in my bed all alone in the dark because nobody loves me.  Yes nobody loves me.”  Turn off the pump and slide out of bed while still feeding baby.

7:07: Greet toddler warmly.  Dodge stuffed dog chucked at my head while toddler insists she’s still sleeping.  Retreat to my room, still feeding baby.

7:10: Finish feeding baby.  Set her in bouncy seat and get dressed.  Attempt to insert contacts and brush teeth while bouncing bouncy seat with my foot.

7:11: Drop contact somewhere.  Curse and then get out a new one.  They’re disposable anyway.

7:12: Pick up frantic baby and apply multiple layers of cover-up under my eyes.  Attempt minimal makeup and maximum deodorant one handed.

7:13: Notice baby has spit up most of her feeding into my hair and shirt.  Remember to brush hair while dabbing at the vomit with a damp cloth.

7:14:  Return to toddler’s room.  Realize I left bottle of pumped milk in her room and that she has now spilled it.  Cry.  Explain why she can’t wear a swimsuit all day when it’s not yet 60 degrees out.

7:25: Carry baby and toddler (still in Pjs) downstairs.  Practice origami skills by folding baby into Moby wrap.

7:30: Pour two sippy cups of skim milk and one of lactose free milk.  Pour self coffee.  Start to take sip of coffee when baby spits up down my shirt again.  Try to blot at clumps of spit up with rag but can’t reach it with the Moby wrap on.  Give up and make mental note never to wear black again.

7:35: Wake big kids, make beds, open blinds, instruct kids 11 times to get dressed.

7:45: Referee wrestling match over which episode of Monster High to watch. 

7:50: Slip in pooled spit up on the hardwood floor while packing lunches.  When did that happen?

8:00: Serve breakfast to toddler and big kids as they sit like royalty in front of the TV.  Bounce baby in Moby in hopes that she’ll stop screeching before we all go deaf.

8:10: Beg toddler to get dressed.  Give up quickly and persuade kids to brush teeth and hair instead.

8:15: Put toddler’s hair in ponytail to avoid combing through weird matted clump in the back.

8:20: Load dishwasher.  Realize I forgot to change baby’s diaper.  Allow toddler to “help” with this task.  Spot baby powder and shake some down my shirt in hopes of masking the stench of spit up. 

8:25: Throw now-damp changing pad and baby’s pajamas into washer.  Attempt to squeeze the stupid bento boxes into the lunchboxes.  Fold baby back into the Moby wrap.  Reach for coffee to take a sip but knock it to floor with baby’s foot instead.  Contemplate lapping it off the floor but decide I should sweep the glass up first. 

8:28: Look at clock and realize I don’t have time to sweep.  Turn off TV and tell kids to get shoes, jackets, and backpacks.

8:30: Grab shoes that kindergartener forgot when she raced out the door. 

8:32: Subtly wipe big kids’ mouths on side of Moby wrap.  Really look at their outfits for the first time and wonder who told my kids that stripes and polka dots match.

8:34: Wave as ½ of my kids board the bus.  Feel moment of relief.

8:35: Baby wakes and spits up again.  Toddler runs over my foot with tricycle. 

8:40: Tell toddler we need to go inside so mommy can eat breakfast.  Insist we will play outside once she is dressed. Watch as epic tantrum ensues.

8:50: Start to worry nearby construction workers will call CPS if they witness any more of the tantrum.  Pick up screaming toddler in one arm and carry her off to side of my body so she doesn’t clock baby strapped to my chest. 

8:51:  Accidentally bump baby’s head on doorframe.  Strip toddler naked in hopes that she’ll use the potty or get dressed.  Turn on Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.

8:53: Reach for coffee cup and remember it broke.  Grab broom and sweep.  Pour coffee into new cup.  Microwave oatmeal. Remove baby from Moby wrap and pat her while swaying back and forth until she falls back asleep.

8:57: Realize house is eerily calm and see that toddler has escaped out the back door and is blowing bubbles on the back step.  Naked.

8:58: Fetch naked toddler while still carrying naked baby.  Wave to concerned-looking construction workers.

9:00: Slice banana for toddler.  Drop knife on my foot and curse loudly, waking baby.

9:05: Carry oatmeal and baby to couch and start nursing baby while attempting to eat without dropping oats on her head.

9:10: Remember I left my coffee in the kitchen.  Set down oatmeal and go to kitchen to retrieve it, still nursing baby.

9:12: Sip coffee.  Realize it is cold.  See dog eat my oatmeal.  Chug remainder of cold coffee.  Glance at clock and attempt to calculate hours till bedtime…

9:13: Laugh so hard I cry.  Or maybe I cried so hard I laughed.  It’s hard to say. 

9:15: Decide that a nutty morning might make for a funny blog post.

That's my morning.  How was yours?

Don't Poke the Bear

            I have a confession to make, and it’s not related to the expired Xanax stashed in the medicine cabinet.  Here it goes: my happiness is entirely dependent on my kids’ happiness.  Yes, I realize that sounds pathetic and psychologically unhealthy, so let me clarify that this was not always the case.  At one time in the not-so-distant past, I was a lawyer, a writer, a friend, a wife, a runner, a baker, a reader, and many more things.  I had hobbies, relationships, socks that matched and pants that zipped.  I hope, someday, to return to that normalcy, where my happiness and self-worth are based on a myriad of things, largely within my control. 

            Today is not that day. 

Today, I have a newborn.  And a toddler.  And a kindergartener and a second grader.  So while I am still theoretically a lawyer, wife, writer, etc., I’m sure you understand that I’m not able to focus my attention on those aspects of my identity.  I sleep less than six hours a night, survive on sandwich crusts and stray Cheez-its from the diaper bag, and spend more time extracting milk than a dairy cow.  I stumble around in clothes covered in spit up and a ponytail disguising the lack of shower.  In other words, I am in survival mode.

            One thing has the ability to make my days infinitely easier or drastically harder—my kids’ happiness.  One toddler tantrum can rouse the baby from the first nap she’s taken all day that wasn’t in my arms.  One meltdown from an overtired kindergartener over the playroom she just doesn’t want to clean can wipe out the fifteen minutes I could have spent eating the cereal I never finished at breakfast, and one dramatic tirade from a 7 year old who lost too many teeth to eat the apply I absentmindedly packed in her lunchbox can distract me from the diaper I’m changing just long enough to get pee all over the only pair of shorts that currently fit me.

            What’s my solution to this?  I don’t poke the bear, no matter which of my kids is being the bear at the moment.  That means I cut the crusts off the sandwiches before I’m asked, let my toddler carry her pacifier and vast menagerie of stuffed creatures wherever we go, put the baby down for (supervised) naps on her tummy so she’ll sleep longer, and look the other way when the big kids “sneak” an extra episode of Jesse.  Am I concerned that this overindulgence will result in overly demanding and spoiled kids?  Slightly.  But mostly I’m just tired.  And besides, it’s temporary. 

            At the end of the day (which incidentally is a hard time to pinpoint when you’re feeding a small but very loud human every 2 hours around the clock), I’m happiest on the days where we had the fewest tears and tantrums and the most giggles and hugs.  I know someday soon I’ll take joy in writing a killer appellate brief or hitting a PR on a 10k, but for now, I’ll measure my success in the quiet happiness of four really cute girls. 

Today’s Pet Peeves

*** This post was supposed to be published in mid-June, but for some reason (pregnancy brain???), it never uploaded.  So here it is, better late than never, my last blog post as a mom of three.

 

 

            If you’ve ever been pregnant or trapped in the vicinity of a pregnant woman, you may recall that one of the nasty side effects of third trimester is extreme crankiness.  So as not to burden you all with my recent irritability, I haven’t posted for over a month, but I just can’t hold it in any longer.  So here you have it, my top pet peeves, in no particular order.  Please feel free to add your own in the comments…misery loves company!

 

1.       Drivers who don’t use turn signals.  Equally annoying are drivers who use turn signals but then leave them on indefinitely after lane changes

2.      Long toenails.  I mean, ewww.  Get some clippers!

3.      Hashtags, acronyms, abbreviations and other ways you people try to make me feel old

4.      Drivers who speed through school zones  when kids are obviously present

5.      Drivers who slow down for school zones when school isn’t in session

6.      Unattended children at swimming pools

7.      Dandelions

8.      Drivers who stop at yellow lights

9.      Drivers who run red lights

10.   People who pay for checks at the grocery or retail stores

11.    Parents who let their kids touch things on restaurant buffets

12.   Varicose veins

13.   Drivers who go the speed limit in the far left lane

14.   Drivers who go under the speed limit anywhere.  It’s possible I’m not the most patient or tolerant driver on the road.

15.   Programmable thermostats

16.   People who bike slowly on narrow roads at rush hour when there is a sidewalk right there

17.   Teens who drive golf carts down sidewalks

18.   Teenagers in general

19.   Dog farts

20.  People who take forever to tell a story.  Get to the point already!

21.   Drivers who text while driving

22.  Cigarette butts

23.  Special News Reports.  If I wanted to see the breaking news, I could check it on my phone without interrupting whatever show I actually want to watch

24.  Homework for elementary schoolers that obviously requires parental participation

25.  Short cell phone battery life

26.  Humidity

27.  People who back into parking spaces.  Unless you’re robbing a bank, this is pointless.

28.  Drivers who wait for someone else to get into a car and back out so they can have the parking space even though the lot isn’t full.  Stop making the rest of us wait so your lazy butt doesn’t have to walk ten extra yards!

29.  Expired coupons

30.  Newspapers thrown over the sprinkler head

31.   Sleet.  Either rain or snow, Atmosphere.  Make up your mind!

32.  Wasps.  The stinging kind.

33.  Comments on online news articles.  Don’t you people have friends you could discuss these topics with?  Why do you assume random strangers care what you think?

34.  Expired packaged food.  Who has time to check those dates at the store?

35.  Strangers who ask if I’m having twins

36.  Finding unflushed poop in every toilet in the house

37.  Cat litter

38.  Drivers who don’t wave thank you after you slow down to let them in your lane

39.  Dog poop at playgrounds.  Pick it up you lazy SOB!

40. When my phone autocorrects certain words to “duck” and “ducking.”  As if anyone ever has intentionally written either of those words in a text.

41.   Stores that email you multiple times a day to inform you of a short-term discount.  One notification is enough, thanks. 

42.  Tiny font

43.  People who use their cell phones during movies, even if not talking.  That light is distracting!

44. Mostly empty ketchup bottles

45.  Mosquito bites

46. Cursive handwriting.  Unless you’re signing your name, just print and spare the rest of us the pain of trying to decipher your scribbles.

47.  Commercials when you’re watching a show online

48. Parents who leave children who are obviously sick at preschool

49. Organic food.  The sheer fact that it exists increases my guilt about the hot dogs and pop tarts my kids just ate.