Rules of the Game

            “Parenting is so easy,” said No Parent Ever.

            Surely we can all agree on that premise, but there might be some disagreements as to the reasons why it’s such a challenge. Here’s my theory—as soon as you figure out what you’re doing parenting-wise with any given kid, they change the rules of the game.

            It’s kind of like playing “I Spy” with my toddler. I swear I taught her the actual rules, but every time we play (which is often, because toddlers never do something once when they could do it seven million times in a row), it goes a little something like this:

            Toddler: “I spy something you don’t see and the color is green.”

            Mom:   “Hmm…is it a…”

            Toddler: (interrupting before I can finish a thought) “It’s a giraffe!”

            Mom: (glancing out the window perplexed) “You see a green giraffe out the window?”

            Toddler: “Is it a bush?”

            Mom: “Wait, I’m supposed to guess.”

            Toddler: “Guess ‘tree’.”

            Mom: “Is it a tree?”

            Toddler: “No, it’s not a tree!”

            Mom: “Is it the grass?”

            Toddler: “Is it that sign?”

            Mom: “What? I’m trying to guess what you saw.”

            Toddler: “It’s a….da-da-da-da (yes, she actually does her own drumroll) TREE!!!”

In other words, while the game itself has rules, a toddler certainly does not follow them and at points it may even be unclear who is playing which role. That’s precisely how parenting works. As soon as you learn the rules of the game, the rules will change. Sometimes, you might even switch to a new game without realizing it.

            If you don’t believe me, sleep train your baby. Once she starts sleeping through the night, pat yourself on the back and think how glad you are that you followed the manual precisely and how all your hard work paid off. But don’t get all cocky and start staying up past your baby’s bedtime because I guarantee within a week, she’ll learn to crawl or stand or get a tooth or it will rain or there will be a full moon…and you’ll be back at square one with the night wakings.

            Have you mastered the art of getting your kindergartener to eat a food that doesn’t fall into the category of white starch? Good for you, but here’s a tip- don’t bother with the same tricks on your next kid. She’ll probably only want dairy products anyway.

            You can ask all your facebook friends for tips on getting your toddler to nap so she’s not a wreck when your second grader plays the 7pm soccer game. But beware- when she’s finally quiet and you start texting your friends to proudly announce that you got her to nap—she’s most likely layering all her swimsuits on top of each other, ripping the tape off every overnight diaper in the box, and seeing if she can fit all 100 loom bracelets on her arm in a row, not sleeping.

            Admit it- you didn’t fully master the morning pre-bus routine or the evening homework-dinner-sports circus until April or May, just in time to start training your kids to sleep past seven am. Spoiler alert: they’ll start sleeping in on or around August 1.

            My point is this: none of us knows what we are doing, even those of us who have so many kids that you’d assume we would have figured something out by this point in the game (although really, if we actually knew anything about kids, would we have intentionally had more than one?). So while your children will keep you guessing, sweating, and Googling right up until the day you die, take comfort in the knowledge that you’re not the only one trying to figure out what the heck is going on. So good luck, and may the best player win.