“Parenting is so easy,” said No
Parent Ever.
Surely we can all agree on that
premise, but there might be some disagreements as to the reasons why it’s such
a challenge. Here’s my theory—as soon as you figure out what you’re doing
parenting-wise with any given kid, they change the rules of the game.
It’s kind of like playing “I Spy”
with my toddler. I swear I taught her the actual rules, but every time we play
(which is often, because toddlers never do something once when they could do it
seven million times in a row), it goes a little something like this:
Toddler: “I spy something you don’t
see and the color is green.”
Mom: “Hmm…is
it a…”
Toddler: (interrupting before I can
finish a thought) “It’s a giraffe!”
Mom: (glancing out the window
perplexed) “You see a green giraffe out the window?”
Toddler: “Is it a bush?”
Mom: “Wait, I’m supposed to guess.”
Toddler: “Guess ‘tree’.”
Mom: “Is it a tree?”
Toddler: “No, it’s not a tree!”
Mom: “Is it the grass?”
Toddler: “Is it that sign?”
Mom: “What? I’m trying to guess what
you saw.”
Toddler: “It’s a….da-da-da-da (yes,
she actually does her own drumroll) TREE!!!”
In other words, while the game itself
has rules, a toddler certainly does not follow them and at points it may even
be unclear who is playing which role. That’s precisely how parenting works. As
soon as you learn the rules of the game, the rules will change. Sometimes, you
might even switch to a new game without realizing it.
If you don’t believe me, sleep train
your baby. Once she starts sleeping through the night, pat yourself on the back
and think how glad you are that you followed the manual precisely and how all your
hard work paid off. But don’t get all cocky and start staying up past your baby’s
bedtime because I guarantee within a week, she’ll learn to crawl or stand or
get a tooth or it will rain or there will be a full moon…and you’ll be back at
square one with the night wakings.
Have you mastered the art of getting
your kindergartener to eat a food that doesn’t fall into the category of white
starch? Good for you, but here’s a tip- don’t bother with the same tricks on
your next kid. She’ll probably only want dairy products anyway.
You can ask all your facebook
friends for tips on getting your toddler to nap so she’s not a wreck when your
second grader plays the 7pm soccer game. But beware- when she’s finally quiet
and you start texting your friends to proudly announce that you got her to nap—she’s
most likely layering all her swimsuits on top of each other, ripping the tape
off every overnight diaper in the box, and seeing if she can fit all 100 loom
bracelets on her arm in a row, not sleeping.
Admit it- you didn’t fully master
the morning pre-bus routine or the evening homework-dinner-sports circus until
April or May, just in time to start training your kids to sleep past seven am.
Spoiler alert: they’ll start sleeping in on or around August 1.
My point is this: none of us knows
what we are doing, even those of us who have so many kids that you’d assume we
would have figured something out by this point in the game (although really, if
we actually knew anything about kids, would we have intentionally had more than
one?). So while your children will keep you guessing, sweating, and Googling
right up until the day you die, take comfort in the knowledge that you’re not
the only one trying to figure out what the heck is going on. So good luck, and may the best player win.
